The Intermediary – December 2025 - Flipbook - Page 83
L O C A L FO C U S
North Pole
the marshmallow boundaries on my
primary residence. It can happen
to anyone.”
Following mounting pressure, and
an emergency session of the Polar
Worker’s Party, Rayn-Deer agreed to
step aside before the situation melted
down any further.
Prime Mince-iter Rein-Keir Star
Myrrh has since appointed Steve
Wreath as her replacement – a
veteran reindeer MP best known
for promising to “cut red ribbon
tape and frosty bureaucracy” while
restoring public trust in the region’s
housing policy.
Local broker, Mr Krampus, senior
partner at Snow Place Like Home
Mortgages, says the scandal has le
both buyers and brokers “feeling
more shaken than a snowglobe in a
toddler’s hand.”
He adds: “I’ve had elves ringing
me at all hours asking whether
they now need to photograph
themselves hanging stockings as proof
of residence.”
Festive foul play
Not to be outdone by the tumult of the
UK market, the North Pole property
world had its own mini scandal this
year – one that saw several high street
heavyweights skidding straight onto
the naughty list.
Three major firms – Bauble &
Branch, Evergreen Estates, and Snow
& Co Property Solutions – were caught
engaging in what regulators have
dubbed “conditional sleigh-selling”,
a practice that le prospective buyers
feeling more stitched-up than a
threadbare Christmas stocking.
Instead of recommending buyers
speak to their own mortgage broker,
the firms allegedly deployed an
avalanche of festive conditions.
Reports suggest they refused viewings
unless buyers agreed to take out their
in-house “Luxury Gi-Wrapping
Service,” withheld acceptance until
buyers purchased a St Nick–Approved
Chimney Insurance Package, and
insisted all enquiries be accompanied
by a Nice-List Credit Check.
According to witnesses, one
negotiator even threatened to
“tell Santa personally” if buyers
didn’t comply – which the
regulator later described as “an
unprofessional deployment of festive
emotional leverage.”
The North Pole Property Conduct
Authority (NP-PCA) issued a frosty
statement, calling the behaviour: “A
blatant breach of snow-cial fairness
and consumer tinsel-tegrity.”
All three agencies denied
wrongdoing, insisting it was
simply: “Christmas enthusiasm
misunderstood.”
Reacting to the news, Frosty the
Snowman, broker at Fa-La-La Finance,
explains: “If there’s one thing the
market needs right now, it’s trust – not
trickery wrapped in tinsel.
“Buyers deserve straight answers,
not sleigh-of-hand tactics.”
Flurry of rental regulation
When it comes to the North Pole’s icy
rental landscape, Jack Frost has long
been the undisputed overlord, with
Frost Rental Limited controlling more
properties than Santa has cookies on
Christmas Eve.
But 2025 has proven to be a
turning point, not because Frost
soened, but because the North
Pole Treasury introduced a flurry of
new regulations. Chief among these
changes is the newly introduced
Festive Rental Income Levy,
immediately christened by critics as
the ‘Elf Assessment Tax’.
Under these new rules, landlords
must pay an additional surcharge
on rental income every time they
increase rent during the festive
season. The surcharge is calculated
based on something officials are
calling a ‘Yuletide Yield Index’, which
one broker describes as: “A formula
no one understands, involving
sleigh depreciation, gingerbread
inflation, and the going rate of candycane futures.”
In addition, landlords now face
mandatory contributions to the North
Pole Decorative Standards Fund,
ensuring all rental properties display
“appropriate seasonal spirit” yearround. Early guidance suggests this
means a minimum of three twinkling
light displays per façade and ecofriendly tinsel in every common area.
Frost calls the new taxes: “A
direct aack on entrepreneurial
snowmanship, designed to
melt the profits of hardworking
arctic landlords.”
Despite Frost’s protests, tenant
groups have applauded the changes.
Many igloo dwellers, long frustrated
by escalating rents and chronically
cold interiors, say the reforms will
help thaw Frost’s icy monopoly
over time.
Plans on thin ice
If there’s one area where the Polar
Worker’s Party continues to skate on
thin ice, it’s housing supply.
Rein-Keir Star Myrrh remained
staunch in his leadership pledge to
build 1.5 billion homes, even though
the current figure sits at a rather
frosty 4,200.
Expectations were briefly lied
aer Chancellor Sleigh-chill Eves
delivered her Snow-vember Budget,
promising a major upgrade to the
planning system through a new
Candy Cane Compulsory Purchase
Power – but optimism vanished faster
than melting snow when a leaked
Office for Blizzard Responsibility
(OBR) report revealed the Hearth for
Every Elf programme was “running
significantly behind sled-ule.”
Meanwhile, the first-time buyer
project Tinsel Terrace has been
delayed once again, officially due to
“national snow shortages,” though
insiders whisper the real issue was
a procurement mix-up involving
an invoice for ‘baubles’ instead
of ‘boulders’.
Hope on the horizon
As 2025 draws to a close, the North
Pole housing market remains a
swirling snowglobe of contradictions.
Prices are rising, but slowly; rates
are falling, but cautiously; scandals
have piled up like the snowbanks
outside Santa’s Workshop. And yet,
beneath the blizzard of bureaucracy,
Budget leaks and bauble-related
mishaps, there’s a genuine sense
that the region may be inching
toward stability.
With political leadership reshuffled
and rental reforms unwrapped,
demand has quietly rekindled among
elves and reindeer alike.
Indeed, the coming year could see
the market finally begin to thaw in
earnest. But as with all things North
Pole, nothing is certain until Santa
signs it off.
Dasher offers a cautiously festive
final word: “We’ve had our fair share
of storms this year – some real, some
caused by ministers misplacing their
marshmallow boundaries – but the
market’s still standing.
“If buyers keep saving, lenders keep
lending, and the Government stops
tripping over its own tinsel, 2026
might just turn out to be the year we
finally stop skating on thin ice.” ●
December 2025 | The Intermediary
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